John Maynard... Caines! That one would have got old quickly, were it not for bertson
Control: If you're a teacher, you either have it, or you don't. It all comes down to respect, so if you don't respect your teacher (and who does), and they know it, you can get away with pretty much anything.
Psychological profile of a teacher with NO CONTROL(!):
A good analogy of the Controlless Supply Teacher is a doll with a ripcord on their back which, when pulled, produces various pre-recorded sounds (perhaps recorded back at the factory). The most popular phrases are as follows:
Controlless Supplies are a danger to everybody involved, aren't they?
Basically, the headmaster of the school in question gets in his car and drives many miles to a predetermined location, where he meets with other, competing headmasters and visiting auctioneers. They go into a large, abandoned football stadium and sit in a small directors box, overlooking the field, while the technicians get ready for the show. When the first round of drinks (on the house, of course) is over, the administrators give the technicians the signal to start.
A door in the side of the stadium opens and a Supply walks out. It is being remote controlled by a technician in a glass box suspended at the side of the arena. The Supply walks into the middle of the arena and begins to demonstrate it's abilities, hoping to impress one of the headmasters. First, it walks up to a simulated unruly pupil and silences it, "If Quiet doesn't work, we'll have to have Silence!" It then proceeds to demonstrate other desirable techniques such as running the hundred metres in under 10 seconds, teaching algebra and karate-chopping a stack of 20 breeze blocks.
"Quite an impressive piece of equipment, there, wouldn't you say?" says the big fat texan Supplier. "That's the Lab Control 6000, you're looking at" he continues. "500-phrase memory, auto-pupil-violence respond mode (that does away with the old fashioned ripcord found in erm... lesser models), multi-layered decibel meter with AutoVolumeThresholdWarning™, Elite/Scum detection systems, Bunsen Sensitive Optics, Desk Stand Observe 'n Dissolve™ and 24-speed Jip Recongition Unit."
"Nice. How much are they?" says the elated headmaster. Meanwhie, on the field, a simulated unruly pupil throws something at the Supply. The Lab Control 6000 pauses, splutters, and fumes pour out of it's ears. It collapses in front of the simulated class, sparks, twitches and blows up in a hundred foot tall fireball, taking out the class, the desks, the chairs and a large section of the goal.
"On second thoughts, what other models do you have?" the headmaster corrects quickly. The texan suggest the Lab Control 6500, with Lab Juice Spill Proofing.
"I'll take it!" the head says. "Excellent choice, sir! May I offer you another scotch?" replies the headmaster.
"No thanks. I have to drive back. Good doing business with you." says the head. And with that, the Supplier snaps his fingers and two waiting technicians go into the basement, get a crate marked "1 LC6500, Handle With Care" and pack it into the boot of the head's car. It's all done by the time the head gets down to the car park and drives home.
John Maynard... Caines! That one would have got old quickly, were it not for bertson
Presumably, all supplies are the rejects from Teacher Training College. These are the ones who didn't quite make it. It's hard to believe that a job such as this leaves any possibility for failing in, but have a look around, and you can see that it obviously does. Actually, there are two types of supply who don't come from Teacher Training College's on-site dole queue. Some supplies are teachers who have a free lesson, so they take somebody else's class, and others are extremely old, retired teachers who are looking for some cheap graft to keep up with the standing order for that much (badly) joked about V drug.
The basic, fundamental problem with supplies is that they haven't got a clue about what is meant to be going on in the lesson. They haven't attended the hundred or so previous hours of that subject, so you're basically left with supervision by somebody who knows less about the subject than you do.
After dropping out of TTC, all supply applicants are required to complete a weekend course about the things it takes to become a supply teacher. That's why it can be done in a weekend. Everything is summarised into a small pocket book which is carried at all times by the supply and can be instantly consulted whenever a problem arises. Unfortunately, the solution to every problem the book answers seems to be a short, glib phrase 'designed' by specialist child-psychologists. For example, if a student asks for some paper to do the work on, the supply is in trouble. They don't want to get up and find some paper in a school they've never been to before and probably don't want to ever again, and even if it's their own school, it's still trouble on their part. After quickly turning round and consulting the book (probably called something like 'The Substitute Bible'), they will answer the student with something along the lines of, "Well, you should have thought about that before you came to the lesson with no paper." The actual section of the book that this phrase can be found in is called "What to do when a student wants something" and the answer is generic for all questions.
The answer is similar for all questions that can possibly be asked. The supply wants to do the minimum amount of work, so will try to point all the blame and responsibility at you. Observe:
Student asks:"Can you write a bit bigger
please. I can't see it."
Supply answers: "No. Move closer to the
board."
Reasonable course of action would have been to:
Write a bit bigger. Not too hard, eh?
Student asks: "Can you open the window next to
you, please. It's very hot in here, since it's summer, and
all"
Supply answers: "No. You come and open it."
Reasonable course of action would have been to:
Get up, walk 50cm to the window and open it. Also not too hard.
The phrase book also tries to play on your emotions, with phrases such as, "It's for your own good" and "I don't like it any more than you do." but quite clearly, it's usually not for your own good, and some of them do like it more than you do.
Supplies also learn primitive body language. A small tilt of the head and condescending sigh whilst staring at you, waiting for a response, is a popular one. Staring is widely deployed with most supplies, actually. If you talk (so much as whisper with some) then you will get a stare, somehow prompting you to be quiet. Good advice is to stare back, claiming they started it, or to complain that you can't work while they're looking at you.
One construction they like to use when confronted by a difficult question that they believe to be dis (such as "I don't WANT to do a detention!"), is "We'll see what <head's name> has to say about it." The truth is, the head cares less about a supply than we do. Well, maybe not quite as little as we do.
A final buzzphrase they like to use is the one telling you to be quiet. First, they will ask you to work in silence. Having hopefully emulated our classic three years, you won't be, so they will say something like "If we can't work quietly, we'll have to work in silence!" What kind of logic is that? If we are absolutely inept at being even quiet, what chance do we have of being silent!
Supply lessons do of course lead to great games of buzzword bingo as the timing of the buzzphrases is more accurate than an atomic clock. Or so it seems.
Recently, there have been rumours of advanced supplies roaming the corridors looking to teach. This slightly modified 'fact' comes from some magazine somewhere, and explains the complex thinking algorithms laid out in the AS's mind.
"When you burst into a room full of pupils you must remember the drill evolved for such occasions. Shoot the first person who makes a move, hostile or otherwise. His brain has recovered from the shock of seeing you there. He has started to think and is therefore dangerous. You must then shoot the person nearest to you, because he is in the best position to cause you embarrasment. Then deal with the rest as you think fit."
This doesn't give the average pupil much time to react or to pull out any Lab Juice of his own, but if you're willing to sacrifice a few GC's in your class, you could always wait for them to move (and stay away from the door), and then open up with the heavy DOK bombs.
If you want to get ahead of the game, we have prepared a simple analogy of their thinking for your analysis. It will hopefully help you in any confrontation with an AS, and give you the edge required to win:
"Effervescent means 'quickly fading', like if you were on drugs."
Previously the idea of the "Advanced Supply" was only an urban myth. Under normal circumstances, supply teachers are made up of the rank and file ped's who failed even at becoming ped's. However, there is another very different breed of supply teacher; one which greets the class with their native "aight" daily. Instead of being made supply because they dont know anything, these ones - codename vrettos - are made supply because they know everything.
You see, should one appear on "Who wants to be a millionaire?", they would win. Infact, Tarrant would skip the questions and simply ask the final one, which they would precede to get completely right. However, this vast resource of knowledge in everything imaginable has not limited them from more human jobs; previous occupations include modelling underwear. And it shows; Exquisitely dressed in the finest suits, a cut above the average M&S drab of the middle class, and affording a fine gold watch. Bizarre.
In addition to the trim physique, after teaching bints hockey five times weekly, he has a voice often quoted but never captured, due to it's unique property of destroying D's with its other-worldly frequencies. It also imbues anything spoken with immense satiric and ironic value. This slow draw means that any unruly student gets blown away in a volley of sarcasm, causing the rest of the class shut right up for fear of similar treatment.
Except of course us, since we can't stop laughing.