If you were there, then each line makes so much sense it can provoke a violent comic reaction. This diary was re-discovered recently (late 2000), but speaks of the somewhere around mid 1998. That'd be the end of year 10. The bullet points are the actual, word for word, text found in the diary, and the rest is commentary added for your cognition.
The fountain of fire is also mentioned in the Fire section of the hidden yearbook. The wall burning might refer to the general act of wall burning (not too uncommon), or the particular incident which left the burn mark in the plastic on the back wall of the Lab, which can presumably still be seen today. If by some amazing feat, they actually replaced the plastic, you can still catch a glimpse of the sagging mark in the pose.jpg picture in the hidden pictures sections of the yearbook. Yes, that's right: he posed right next to it!
There was a lesson which involved us making concrete. Supposedly to teach us the chemistry behind it. What actually happened was that we followed the instructions far enough to get a mixture approximating concrete. We poured it into the moulds. We let it dry. We smashed it up all over the floor. The mess was unbelievable. A thick carpet of concrete dust was everywhere. The weights smashing the floor may or may not have been the same lesson, but it involved dropping very large (10-20kg) weights on the floor, from a great height, thus creating large dents.
It was in Biology that the first Lab juice was created. We were doing an experiment about something or other. It was biology, so I don't remember. However, it involed a fair few chemicals, which had to be mixed in the right proportions, and with the right other chemicals. Now I come to think of it, I think it was a test for starch. Benedicts solution rings a bell. Whatever the chemicals were, Adam saw fit to place them all in the same test tube and give it a shake. His own words: "Hey look, I've made Lab Juice."
A second's pause, followed by uncontrolLable laughter and the birth of a whole new generation of DOK's. We wanted to know what to do with it, so after a brief idea-escalation*, we thought it would be interesting to pour it in Kelvin's bag. Of course, it never happened, since we weren't actually that cruel. However, viewage of the videos may still prove otherwise.
We were given our books at the beginning of the year, and told to write our names, teacher and subject on the front. We did. Except for adam, who by genuine mistake, wrote Biologay instead of Biology. Freudian slip? Possibly, but it is widely acknowledged as being the event that kickstarted the entire 'Gay' phenomenon. Oh, and I don't mean the homosexual thing.
Rather than, say, for example, do some work, we thought it would be interesting to question the need for homework. We eventually got onto talking about why detentions were unneccessary. The conversation itself was unspectacular (save for the fact that it was a grey area jip topic to be discussing with a teacher) - the comedy can be derived from the fact that it took 45 minutes of the lesson, and we did no work.
Erm, do I need to explain this one? There was a Vincent, and a jacket hung up on a fume cupboard, unguarded. Some things went in some places. As far as we know, he never found out. At least, not in public.
Starved of fire, but with the obsession still burning, we set about creating a source of fire within a physics lesson (fire normally being confined to Chemistry lessons). The procedure was as follows: Get a small electric bulb, and smash the glass, but don't break the filament. Plug it into some batteries, place it in front of a gas tap, turn the gas on, turn the batteries on and boom! The flash of the bulb should ignite the gas from the tap. I don't remember whether or not we managed to get this to work. Chances are we didn't, because if we did, it would most certainly be a thing to remember.
We needed fire. We were in a theory lesson. We had no choice but to get a small plastic bag, fill it with gas from the taps, hold the end, spaok up a laoghter, and squeeze the gas out. It worked. Incredibly well. If briefly, and under the table. This event, if any, is most responsible for me having little or no understanding of Chemistry.
The age of the D is well documented in the Sounds section. This event is how we obtained a large number of the sounds, i.e. by placing the dictaphone underneath some books on his desk.
If you listen to the sounds carefully, you will hear reference to some Lab juice. I think it involved "getting burning acid all over my hands."
The first time a sink fill was performed, it just so happened to be right in front of his desk.
The script:
Us: <some talk about cars, in which we
mention that Adam's mum has a volvo>
Jimmé: A volvo? Isn't that an old woman's
car?
Adam: You wanna punch? What kind of car is a
Renault 5? An old, bald man's car?
Adam rolls into Chemistry ten minutes late, with a num'sein look on his face, and gets immediately interrogated about his shirt being untucked. The excuse is that "if I tuck it in, it makes me look lanky."
Gas taps have gas coming out of them, and gas is flammable. You don't have to be Elite to work out what to do next.
The new exercise books were kept at the front of the classroom, under the sink, in nice shrink wrapped plastic. We needed a new one, so we took 15.
Bringing the DOK Lab Juice into Chemistry provoked an investigation into it's contents, which ended up with Vincent spilling some on the desk, and then some on the floor. The stuff on the floor wiped away cleanly, but there is still, to this day, a small stain on the desk in front of the teacher's desk.
Words don't do this justice. Filling up a sink to the brimmage, and having a totally blind supply teacher walk past without noticing, and the subsequent shouting of "HOW BLIND!" around the room, is not something that the english language was designed to take.
Imagine the above. s/sink/room.
It can be shown that certain words contain only one of each letter. This characteristic lets them into the special list of words suitable for rearranging a keyboard into. The experiment that proved this dealt almost solely with the creation of filthy words. Also, the row of numbers above the letters is easily changed to fool people totally. It goes 0123456789, right?
I don't remember this one. We obviously made DOK, on the floor, that was blue.
Ethanol burns, and we like burning. It was a mistake to give us little hand held pipettes. Put a lighter in front of them, squeeze, and your best friend is on fire for a brief few seconds. Much amusement. Trailing ethanol around the floor, then lighting one end let us pretend we were expert studio pyrotechnicians, by setting fire to puddles of ethanol from the other side of them room.
Bluebeep produces tones, but bluebeep requires a 25kg computer to generate (none of us possessing laptops). It would be much simpler if we just recorded the tones on the D, right?
The words "leave the gas taps alone" were repeated about 15 times that lesson. I think the only reason we stopped was because the lesson was over.
K
_______
|___| |
A| |_|_|J
H|_|___|
D J
Think seating plan. The J on the right is the Jé himself. Being around the front desk wasn't a problem for us - it made the dis so much sweeter. We didn't fear the reeker.
Remember the tango hotline? I have no idea what it was for, but we phoned it anyway. Oh, except we actually phoned an insurance company who "obviously weren't the Tango Hotline."
Aight.
This is probably explained elsewhere, but it involves us telling Mrs RM-Hax0r-Program that she was being recorded. Hawk like accuracy that amazes us still today led her to the D. The punchline of course, was this: THEY LISTENED TO THE WRONG SIDE. "Perfectly normal lesson" indeed.
We read of a kid who got killed whilst performing "lift surfing" - the act of riding up and down a building on top of a lift. Of course, mere pupils aren't allowed in the lift, so it was dis enough to merely go in the lift rather than on it. Up and down we went. Oh yes. And so did a TV.
This almost certainly has a page of it's own.
This almost certainly never happened, except for the first time we tried it, when it did, unfortunately happen right under the noses of evil snooping admins who "kneewww about quaaake."
There was a school election - one of those evil US style ones, where the masses elect a candidate to represent the school at some anal festival of bureaucracy. We 'organised' (read: laughed about) not voting for any of the official candidates, but in fact writing in a new candidate, going by the name of "MOLÉ!" This is how it was rigged.
No idea what I meant by this. Rebooting to DOS? Most likely, since it was rather thrilling. To doss around used to have much more meaning than it does now.
Didn'tI already mention this one? Well, the first time we managed this, it worked! Amazingly! Connect to math14! Unfortunately, we had little understanding of the need for uninstallation of our warez, and were promptly busted. This started and defined "those three" in the eyes of "them."
Oh dear. Oh daer. OH DAER. This was truly amazing. Official documentation - a license to diss. They were so professional! We even got them laminated using the school's own equipment! "Diplomatic immunity, quad grade multiplier (you can tell this was from the days of quake), and instant blame absolution."
You are meant to leave school at 3:05, but staying until 7pm to hax0r was often achieved. This feat required music, and as everybody knows, theft is the best way to acquire it.
We did something bad in economics that was winding up Mr Faz. He was trying to get across the concept of subsistence farming, or something. He asked if any of us had seen The Good Life. I said something like, "Yes, on the Young Ones." Of course, we'd spent the whole lesson talking about the young ones, bottom and the simpsons, so he took this as diss. Bustings followed. A test followed. Jimmy copied me. He got busted. Busteeeeed! We spent the next month or so standing outside the classroom waiting to be let in before the lesson started.
Somebody brought in a little green smoke bomb, which was let off on the field, to much amusement, but surprisingly little smoke.
Sports day happens. Some people throw some stuff, some people run, and some people jump over things. It is crap.
Me: My god this is dull. (paraphrased)
Me: (Gets out school newsletter and doctors it,
resulting in a wicked parody of school life. Gets bored again.
Repeats procedure on some RPSE handout).
McDonwald: (smiling, bubbling) What's this! Oh!
RPSE! You're not meant to have this until next week's lesson!
Me: (thinks: Did I steal this from
somewhere?)
McDonwald: What are you doing to it?
Me: Oh, I was altering it for comic effect.
She leaves and laughter commences.
Well, we basically talked about the simpsons.
He never turned up to teach us, so after about 30 minutes of doing nothing, I walk into the next classroom and ask to borrow a board marker from Ms Bagel. I receive one, no questions asked. After making a horrible mess of the board in our economics room, I return and ask for a board rubber. She is suspicious. I return to the economics lesson, but a few minutes later, me and a few others turn up in Bagel's> room again, and say "Can we join your lesson please?"
The Jimmé replacement, with a degree in education. AS IF!
Joe got his walkman confiscated for some little misdemeanour. He steals it back. He claims the school lost it. They are in a tricky situation, and are forced to pay up. Enraged, they call us into the adjoining Lab - Lab 5? - and sit us down in silence. The head of department gives us all a piece of paper, and we are ENCOURAGED to TURN IN our COMRADES. Somebody votes for Adam. It was probably Joe.
This has it's own page.
Great amounts of time were spent creating an Excel macro that precisely calculated the number of lynz adam had to write.
Premise: the adm0ns use pcAnywhere to spy on us. The plan: create an Excel macro to repeatedly flash the screen black and white, thus when said adm0n connects, he is paralysed in a fit of epilepsy, and we are left to play Quake in peace.
Sinks are not well known for burning, but this one did. I think we poured gallons of ethanol down it or something.
[17:12] <abattis> yeah ,we pured a thin layer of ethanol over a sink and lit it
[17:12] <abattis> large surafe area of flame
[17:12] <abattis> although we later didnt bother witht he safety afforded
by the sink. hoho
This was quite accidental. I accidentally left a burning bunsen under the lip of the raised sink area of the wooden desk. She reminded me in her trademark panicked manner.
A comment written in my Chemistry book. Too right.
<Jadva> i remember now! when we were hx0rinhg the acorns at school with the double back handed slam attack.
For some reason, the graphical OS of the Acorns gave way to a command prompt when you smashed your hands down on the keyboard. We suspect it was some sort of key combination, but we never found out, and the possibility of arcane doing remains. Tellingly (and embarrassingly), Ellis was the only one who knew how to use acorns.
Well, this wasn't an incident as much as a general activity.
Adam did nothing. All year. In the last lesson, he was faced with having to do some work, but he didn't want to (obviously). Mrs R got a piece of paper and wrote down some simple tasks for Adam to perform. He didn't do them (equally obviously). In fact, the lesson ended, he shouted yea-noi. And. Ate. The. Paper. Yes, ate.
Whilst pretending to punch Ellis in the nose, Vincent punched Ellis in the nose. Mecca came along, and said something along the lines of "go and stand outside the head's office." The thing is, Vincent laughed, and then Ellis laughed. Vinné still got busted though.
When Raeburn saw real people, he ran, fast. For some reason, he thought we wanted to beat him up or something. Far from it. I would really, sincerely have loved to have a serious conversation with him, and find out what makes him tick like a nazi H-bomb. Unfortunately, it was easy to get caught up in the chase, and as we rounded the corner, we saw him disappearing to the bush, through the door at the side of the sports hall. Obviously, he would reach a Teacher-Based-Safe-Zone, so we slowed down and walked leisurely along. Later on, we reached the point where he'd dived into the bush, and through the door. To our surprise, we'd forgotten the layout of the sports hall - there was NO DOOR! He'd been hiding in the bush! I really would love to know what goes on inside there...
This is a classic. TO show how little effort was required to create RPSE work, I played Quake with one hand, and wrote some crap with the other. Incidentally, this was the replacement homework for Dead Magazine (which never got handed in, for supposedly obvious reasons). "Is there life after death?"
We found a teacher logon left logged in, but it was a bit crap really. This was at the end of year 10, of course, so it was the height of leetness when we found it. Sitting comfortably in an armchair 6000 miles away from the scene of the crime, I can say that it was, in fact, crap. In retrospect.
RM was even crapper though.
Within a certain cookery book, there is a number for The White House. We found it and foned it. "Hello, White House." was greeted with explosive laughter. The number died a while later. Strangely enough, the number is also avaiLable in the 5-in-1 copy of the Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy.
A vending machine swallowed our change, so we phoned the vending machine company. They were not amused, concerned or interested, but the level of conversation indicated that they were probably filing their nails.
It's not a good idea to only have one entrance to a room, especially when the handles can be tied together with something.
[17:18] <abattis> It's not a good idea to only have one entrance to a room, especially when the doors have pull handels onteh outside which can be jammed with a VHS cassette case BORROWED FROM THE VERY SAME ILBRARY
During break, copius amounts of food was consumed. Rather than walk 10m to the bin, we prefered to move our hand 50cm across to the back of the locker block at the back of the room, and shove the garbage behind. Everything went there, drink, crisp packets, sandwiches... everything. It lasted for ages, but I think it was eventually cleaned out.
Oh yes.
Oh daer.
<abattis_> that was the mainest room 5 bollocking@~!@
It truly was. Five minutes of high volume headteacher beats.
Somebody put an apple in the video recorder. Surprisingly, it wasn't us. The witch hunt amused us.
This is very old skool.
The careers library has always had the fourth level of hand-me-down computers. They were very crap, but at least you could open and close the CD drive a lot.
At some point during an English lesson, we realised that flicking ink at a target on the floor was much more fun than learning english. A lot of it went on the radiator, and the lesson degenerated into a secret cleanup session.
The 6th formers were watching some video in the corridor outside the library, and Shane had an infra red video control watch. It took them about 5 minutes to work it out.
I don't remember this directly, but it sounds like the chairs in the lecture theatre collapsed.
This happened throughout the whole of the 3 years:
Green: (Walks off)
Statman: (says nothing, and walks off with me,
saying nothing)
Green: I can hear you! I can hear you talking
about me!
Statman: (rounds a corner, and starts talking
about her)
The school rules page explains this one.
Some freak posted a load of evangelical tracts in the phone booth on the way home. Collecting them was a weekly amusement.
No comment.
Think trail of destruction. Stolen goods, litter on the floor, keyed cars, insulted old women, etc.
Vince hoks one up, and empties all over the windscreen of the car that has stopped to let him across the road. Mr Curtis is inside. 5 hour detention, or something.
Shane dodgily opens all the lockers in a row, with Bertson. They receive 5 hour DT beats, during which they sort out maths objects, which are then chucked back into the same box.
Scan and print. Use.
[17:41] <abattis> then again, shane and i benefitted form such
unwritten (in KHS) rules when the porkers came
in about those fivers i was printing for him
[17:41] <Jadva> oh, and defaced.net/heh - it's about KHS being
vandalised
[17:41] <Jadva> ghah, yes
[17:41] <abattis> Jadva: from that Mad Vandal strikes KHS article
[17:41] <Jadva> shh!
[17:41] *** HyhacKer (mrmook@62.6.86.0) has left #lewis
[17:41] <abattis> :)
[17:41] <Jadva> hehe
[17:41] <Jadva> i remember that day
[17:41] <abattis> "causing upset among the girls"... :. Mad
Vandal /is/ vinné
[17:41] <Jadva> a policewoman walks in
[17:41] <Jadva> we are in the lecture theatre
[17:41] <abattis> yes
[17:41] <Jadva> she holds up something
[17:42] <Jadva> whispers and giggles occur
[17:42] <Jadva> she asks us if we know what it is
[17:42] <abattis> :)
[17:42] <Jadva> everybody is silent
[17:42] <Jadva> except
[17:42] <abattis> correct
[17:42] <Jadva> tom ellis
[17:42] <abattis> LOL
[17:42] <Jadva> who says "it's a dodgy fiver"
[17:42] <abattis> yes
[17:42] <Jadva> in his obviously-a-fat-smoker voice
[17:42] <abattis> roffl
[17:42] <abattis> oh dea
[17:42] <abattis> mother is laughing at me laughing
[17:43] <Jadva> and then something happens to do with "I
KNOW IT'S YOU, BUT I'M GOING TO TALK GENERALLY ANYWAY"
[17:43] <abattis> roffle
[17:43] <abattis> except, of course, it wasnt
[17:44] <Jadva> yes, things that can't be proved didn't happen
The forging craze was not unique among us. 0r ha a good time printing tenners, and dropping them in the science corridor to create greed bundles.
Dave found her picture in (get this) a horse magazine. Scan, photoshop and print. Amusement. Fake rasher money anybody?
The D makes a noise that sounds like a radio being played back, when heard from a distance. She thought it was a radio, and nothing more. The sounds from that lesson seem to have been lost.
At the beginning of the year, we were still unsure as to his real identity. Dave asked. In the back on his Chemistry book. Jé circled it, and wrote "See me," but I don't think he ever did.
Oh lol. Whilst looking for ways to annoy her, we excessively lengthened our ties. We put them under the table, and brought them back up the other side, we placed dictionaries on the end of the ties. When she walked past the dictionaries, we pulled the ties and they fell on the floor. She thought it was her.
"Chewing gum in the bin!" except only half of it ever went in there, meaning the process could continue indefinitely. The half life of chewing gum was about ten minutes.
Somebody threw a snowball through the window.
He turned up drunk.
He didn't do any work.
They couldn't pass the test, so they redid it about 5 times each.
She calculated the percentage wrong, so I corrected it on the card. She wasn't happy.
Shane brought in a fake quid.
I found a Ku Klux Klan membership card at a service station on the way to Sealyham in year 7. Oooooooold skool! Sealyham will become another page at some point. "You have been patronised by Grand Wizard Ray Larsen, Knight of the Ku Klux Klan"
We did 'work experience' of some sort in the library. We obtained much warez.
In a bunsen. It ended up the size of a pea, and black.
In spanish, we got the capacitors that we'd robbed from electronics, and crushed them under the legs of the chair. Vile toxic fluid came out and warped my mind.
For jip value, we took a videocamera on the geography field trip to Shaftesbury. ALSO, out there somewhere, is a woman! We asked her questions! And she lied!
Woman: (carrying bags of shopping)
Us: Hello, are you in Shaftesbury to do
shopping?
Woman: No.
For some reason, I was given the locker master key. I swiftly detoured into room 5, and traced around it on a piece of paper.
He left us alone with Frake. This is why we didn't understand anything.
She got annoyed for me going onto the next exercise. I wait. Everybody else finishes. She says: "OK, do the next exercise."
Amusing positions involving the teacher can be remembered.
Monitors produce shocks. We took advantage.
A misguided Spanish teacher told us to draw pictures of what we imagined Spain looked like. I drew an alleyway, with a dead/drunk man slumped in the corner, bottled dropped and spilled into the gutter. A half torn circus poster hung grimly on the disintegrating red brick wall.
Also in Spanish, an idea-escalation* lead to us describing a hotel room next to a railway track as "God-forsaken."
Eheh. I don't think this was actually an official one though.
At the end of the year, stat argues with Green (again). Meanwhile, we wait outside room 6 in the rain, and listen to Kujo playing the Quake 2 theme on his guitar.
There was a bush in the subtropical paradise. Somebody skewered a sandwich on it, and it remained there for many months.
Self explanatory really. A similar feat was performed years later in the 6th form, by writing words within the thickness of the ink used for normal letters. A thin pencil was required.
And the doctoring of. These are classic.
Or something.
Adam investigates how far he can span the gap between desks.
Barbershop quartet style, we sing "Gay." Jé complains, and tells us that if he hears us "going up the chords" one more time... mumble... mumble.
Some song that Adam kept altering...
"Walked past a fifty, couldn't be bothered to pick it up / I
would rather die"
"Saw a woman, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, just
walked by, didn't say anything / I would rather die"
Ethanol is a valuable commodity, so to ensure a plentiful supply, even in a theory lesson, we stashed some away. See 'The Postbox'
We placed a note on the Lab door, directing people to go the field instead of the Lab, because the lesson had moved. Frake was not amused. The idea of the chain room change was born.
I wrote some garbage about saying "Rhubarb" repeatedly. I wrote it up as an experiment. He ticked it.
After nearly a year of saying it, I ended up writing it in my book by accident.
I wanted to carry on talking to Faz, so I followed him through the staff room and into the Den. That was the first glimpse. I later ventured in, and actually went up the ladder, whilst three of them sat downstairs blatantly smoking.
We were informed of the Den by R Williams. Heh.
It wasn't a game, it was a serious MS app!.
Somebody printed out 50 pages worth of anarchy related stuff, and quite amazingly, it wasn't us. Whaddaya know?
Mere hours after their creation and distribution, one was used to get out of a detention. Successfully, apparently.