Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision
bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
But got instead a reprimand: it read "Abort, Retry, Ignore".
Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly, I must now adopt one -
Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".
With my fingers pale and trembling,
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Finally I pressed a key --
But on the screen what did I see?
Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".
I tried to catch the chips off guard --
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards,
I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation,
Trying random combinations.
Still there came the incantation -
Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".
There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine
accosted;
Getting up, I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight,
A bold and blinding flash of light,
A lightning bolt that cut the night and shook me to my very
core.
The PC screen collapsed and died,
"Oh no -- my database", I cried.
I thought I heard a voice reply,
"You'll see your data-- Nevermore!"
To this day I do not know
The place to which our data goes
Perhaps it goes to Heaven where the angels have it stored.
But as for productivity - well,
I fear it has gone straight to Hell.
And that's the tale I have to tell -
Your choice: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".
Long ago, in the days when all disks flopped in the breeze and the writing of words was on a star, the Blue Giant dug for the people the Pea Sea. But he needed a creature who could sail the waters, and would need for support but few rams.
So the Gateskeeper, who was said to be both micro and soft, fashioned a Dosfish, who was small and spry, and could swim the narrow sixteen-bit channel. But the Dosfish was not bright, and could be taught but few tricks. His alphabet had no A's, B's, or Q's, but a mere 640 K's, and the size of his file cabinet was limited by his own fat.
At first the people loved the Dosfish, for he was the only one who could swim the Pea Sea. But the people soon grew tired of commanding his line, and complained that he could neither be dragged or dropped. "Forsooth," they cried, "the Dosfish can do only one job at a time, and of names he knows only eight and three." And many of them left the Pea Sea for good, and went off in search of the Magic Apple.
Although many went, far more stayed, because admittance to the Pea Sea was cheap. So the Gateskeeper studied the Magic Apple, and rested awile in the Parc of the Xer Ox. And he made a Window that could ride on the Dosfish, and do its thinking for it. But the Window was slow, and it would break when the Dosfish got confused. So most people contented themselves with the Dosfish.
Now it came to pass that the Blue Giant came upon the Gateskeeper, and spoke thus: "Come, let us make of ourselves something greater than the Dosfish." The Blue Giant seemed like a humbug, so they called the new creature Oz II.
Now Oz II was smarter than the Dosfish, as most things are. It could drag and drop, and could keep files without becoming fat. But the people cared for it not. So the Blue Giant and the Gateskeeper promised another Oz II, to be called Oz II Too, that could swim fast in the new, 32-bit wide Pea Sea.
Then lo, a strange miracle occurred. Although the Window that rode on the Dosfish was slow, it was pretty, and the third window was the prettiest of all. And the people began to like the third window, and to use it. So the Gateskeeper turned to the Blue Giant and said "Fie on thee, for I need thee not. Keep thy Oz II Too, and I shall make of my Window an Entity that will not need the Dosfish, and will swim in the 32-bit Pea Sea."
Years passed, and the workshops of the Gateskeeper and the Blue Giant were many times overrun by insects. And the people went on using their Dosfish with a Window; even though the Dosfish would from time to time become confused and die, it could always be revived with three fingers. Then there came a day when the Blue Giant let forth his Oz II Too onto the world. The Oz II Too was indeed mighty, and awesome, and required a great ram, and the world was changed not a whit. For the people said "It is indeed great, but we see little application for it." And they were doubtful, because the Blue Giant had met with the Magic Apple, and together they were fashioning a Taligent, and the Taligent was made of objects, and was most pink.
Now the Gateskeeper had grown ambitious, and as he had been ambitious before he grew, he was now more ambitious still. So he protected his Window Entity with great security, and made its net work both in serving and with peers. And the Entity would swim, not in the Pea Sea, but also in the Oceans of Great Risk. "Yea," the Gateskeeper declared, "though my Entity will require a greater ram than Oz II Too, it will be more powerful than a world of Eunuchs".
And so the gateskeeper prepared to unleash his Entity to the world, in all but two cities. For he promised that a greater Window, a greater Entity, and even a greater Dosfish would appear one day in Chicago and Cairo, and it too would be built of objects.
Now the Eunuchs who lived in the Oceans of Great Risk, and who scorned the Pea Sea, began to look upon their world with fear. For the Pea Sea had grown and great ships were sailing in it, the Entity was about to invade their Ocenas, and it was rumored that files would be named in letters greater than eight. And the Eunuchs looked upon the Pea Sea, and many of them thought to immigrate.
Within the Oceans of Great Risk were many Sun Worshippers, and they had wanted to excel, and make their words perfect, and do their jobs as easy as one-two-three. And what's more, many of them no longer wanted to pay for the Risk. So the Sun Lord went to the Pea Sea, and got himself eighty-sixed.
And taking the next step was he of the NextStep, who had given up building his boxes of black. And he proclaimed loudly that he could help anyone make wondrous soft wares, then admitted meekly that only those who know him could use those wares, and he was made of objects, and required the biggest ram of all.
And the people looked out upon the Pea Sea, and they were sore amazed. And sore confused. And sore sore. And that is why, to this day, Ozes, Entities, and Eunuchs battle on the shores of the Pea Sea, but the people still travel on the simple Dosfish.
Now it came to pass that workshops of the Gateskeeper fashioned a new Idol in the image of Himself, and named it Oh-Lay The Second. And there was much excitement amongst the Tribes of Developers, for they gazed upon the Specification and saw that it was Good, and Well Considered and not cursed with the blight of the Kludge.
But even the Miracles of the Oh-Lay The Second were not enough for the Masters of the Gateskeeper, for it came to pass that the language of the Macro had been Reviled, and Stoned, and publically Humiliated, especially amongst the tribes of the Corporate.
So the Gateskeeper commanded the workshops to deliver unto the Tribes of the Corporates a new Wonder, and named it Comman Macro Language. They called it a Basic of Object Overtones. And then, lest this confuse the Tribe of the Corporate, named it for the third time as the Basically Visual of the Applications Kind.
But the Tribe of Upstarts known as the Reviewers looked down upon the new Miracles of the Applications, and cast scorn upon them, saying "Verily thou has Failed. Thine new Shiny Applications are not blessed with the new Wonder, except for the System Terminator known as the Excel Five, which is Riddled with the Blight of the Bug."
And then the Tribe of Reviewers examined the new Wonder in closer detail, and found too that it was cursed with the Blight of the Incompatible Syntax. They shouted "But the workers of the Gateskeeper told us it was Compatible, and The Same, and Wonderous. The Application named Word is inflicted with the Kludge known amongst the Land as WordBasic in its Third Incarnation, and this is not Good Enough.
The High Priests of the Gateskeeper replied, crying "Verily we are Getting There, but it will take more Time." And the Tribe of the Reviewers replied, saying "Thou hast had enough Time, there is little left in the Coffers of Credibility.
And Lo, the High Priests of the Gateskeeper replied "But you ignoreth our Best Wonder Of All, the Miracle of the IntelliSense." And the Tribe of the Reviewers cast scorn upon the High Priests, and called for a Public Stoning, crying "That is nothing but the influence of The Devil Himself, known in the Lands of the Journalists as The Marketing Bullshit.
And the Tribes of the Journalists and Corporates looked upon the Garden of the Lotus to see if more promising flowers were growing therein.....
Note: The ^H in the program means "backspace"...
/*
TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code
Project: Chicago(tm)
Projected release-date:
Summer 1994^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^HSpring 1995
*/
#include "stdio.h"
#include "dos.h"
#include "conio.h"
#include "win31.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
/*
Reference:
Internal memo #99281-95 from:
William H. Gates III
to:
Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project
William H. Gates III wrote:
"I have serious doubts about the 'EASY' installation-definition.
It might prevent customers to think that they actually bought something
_good_. Therefore I want the installation-definition to be 'HARD'.
Carry on,
God^H^H^HBill
"
*/
#define INSTALL = HARD
void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if(first_time_installation)
{
make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
hang_system();
}
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if(still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}
/*
Reference:
Internal memo #99683-95 from:
Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project
to:
William H. Gates III
Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project wrote:
"Dear Sir,
Since we have found that this last piece of code within the 'if'-statement
will never execute, we descided NOT to include it in the final code.
This way we will save atleast another 5 megabytes of consumer-diskspace!
Thank you for listening to us,
the executive managers of the Chicago(tm)-project
"
*/
/*
if(still_not_crashed)
{
write_cheer();
finished();
}
*/
create_general_protection_fault();
}
#include <windows.h>
#include <system_errors.h>
#include <stdlib.h>
char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
main()
{
if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();
if (fast_cpu())
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
printf("Welcome to Windoze 3.999 (we might get it right or just call it
Chicago)\n");
if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt);
else
system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);
while(1)
{
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
if (rand() < 0.9)
crash(complete_system);
}
return(unrecoverable_system);
}
You may have either bought or acquired a strange little game called Windows 95, and I'm sure it has most of you stumped. It is a very hard game and you shouldn't be blamed for needing a little help, so here it is:
There is a cheat that lets you... wait for it... bypass the entire game! Simply move your mouse over the icon in the bottom left corner of your screen, click on it, and then click on Shut Down. Select Shut Down again, and click on OK. You will be rewarded with the black and orange 'game over' screen. You are now free to turn off your PC.
Although good in theory, there are several problems with the above method:
Unfortunately, that is the only surefire way to complete the game. The following are only tips that will see you through some tricky situations:
Windows will exponentially increase the amount of time you spend loading up your computer, so you need to help it along as much as possible:
Open the msdos.sys file in your root directory, and add the following lines after Network=1:
Logo=0
Bootdelay=0
This will disable the logo screen during startup, and stop your machine waiting to see if you want to go into DOS, shaving several seconds off the load time.
Watch out for the traps that Microsoft have laid for you. If you get into the drive info window (advanced gamers only), you may accidentally click Format. This effectively renders months of gaming work obsolete.
The new version has many improved features. For a start it won't crash you out quite as much as it's deformed half cousin will. For a stop, you'll have many more opportunities to do so. If you thought you were lost on your own computer, image trying to naviagate through 200 million computers through the 'Internet' special level. Be warned - the longer you spend trying to complete 'Internet', the more money you will have to pay as you are charged by the minute, unless you live in America, in which case the medical bills that result from long term exposure to this game will more than wipe out any profit you may make from lack of local phone call charges.
While it was technically possible to get to this secret level on Windows 95, it required you to complete the extra IE Installation level, which very few people could get past without the cheat (1. Go to software shop, 2. Buy Opera, 3. Forget IE)
The skipping the game cheat still works, although with the addition of buttons to the task bar, multiple confusion opportunities arise.