Things to Listen to, People

Are you a gypsy?

We've got no problem with you and your way of life (in fact, rebelling against the law and living a life completely of our own has some appeal), but just because you defy authority doesn't mean you have to defy common sense. For example, if you're going to set down somewhere for a while, make sure you don't mess it up and leave it a complete dump when you leave, inciting the law to beat you into an even more viscious circle of poverty and theft.

Are you a world leader?

We've got no problem with you, but just think about this - are you really ever going to use all those nuclear bombs? Eh? Even if the enemy did attack, why not just let them live (even the enemy is still human, and can live on and maybe one day come to respect the beliefs they were fighting you over). Why not spend the money on something worthwhile? The only war nowadays is the commercial war - it's the only one that makes sense. If, for example, Clinton razed China down to the last grain of rice, he would simply be voted out. Where's the political sense in that? There's not much point in an army, either. Just DAMN WELL GET ALONG.

Are you an evangelist?

We've got no problem with you, but KEEP YOUR BELIEFS TO YOUR DAMN SELF AND STOP TRYING TO CONVERT EVERYBODY ELSE. Just because you believe one thing, and they believe another doesn't mean you can go and DAMN WELL KILL THEM. YOU'RE NOT FIGHTING IN THE NAME OF GOD, ALLAH, JESUS, SATAN OR WHATEVER. YOU'RE FIGHTING BECAUSE YOU'RE GAY.

Are you a feminist?

We've got no problem with you, but NOBODY CARES. We live in a world where women have ABSOLUTELY equal rights, so STOP TRYING TO ABUSE A LONG DEAD SITUATION, AND REALISE THAT NOT ALL MEN ARE LIKE YOUR EX WHO USED TO BEAT YOU DAY AND NIGHT.

Are you hiding beneath four inches of make-up?

We've got no problem with you, but do you think we don't notice? Are you really that ugly? Why do you go around smutting yourself up to the 5-hour-perm AND THEN CLAIM YOU'RE NOT DOING IT TO ATTRACT MEN!?

Are you racist?

We have a problem here. You don't happen to be a Nazi as well, do you? I mean what is your problem?